Mother’s Day is this weekend, the first I get to celebrate with my miracle baby girl in my arms, I’m so looking forward to it. So why can’t I just stop there? Why can’t I just enjoy my day with my child and not go to a deeper place than that? Granted life is a bit crazy right now…but isn’t it always?
I’m overjoyed to get to spend this weekend with my daughter. It’s something I never thought I’d get to do and now not only do I get to do it, I get to do it with the greatest baby in the world.
My Gracie is so beautiful and smart. She’s silly and she has my voice. On top of all the cute things ten months old do she also walks and runs over to me, hugs my leg and says “hi mom” grinning up with her mouth which is already full of teeth. She likes to feed herself and steal bites of her dads asparagus of all things. She reads her books to me turning the pages and uttering the same gibberish every time but with different tones and inflections as the story goes along.
The blessing I have in her is not lost on me. Every day, countless times a day I thank God for her. Not for making me a mom finally, or giving me my own baby, no…I thank God for HER. Not for giving me a baby but for giving me this baby. I didn’t just get blessed with a miracle I got blessed with THE miracle of a lifetime in my Gracie Goober. I have all I’ll ever need in her. I’m beyond satisfied and grateful. I feel so happy.
Because I’m me I think about everything. I go over details in my mind countless times playing them out until they happen. So of course with this weekend being Mothers Day and me getting to be with my baby and knowing how wonderful a feeling that is I think about the fact that I won’t be feeling this same excitement ever again. The anticipation of Mother’s Day with my new baby in my arms is a once in a lifetime feeling for me. My medically needed hysterectomy is 2 weeks away, the gift of motherhood is a miracle I’ll only be given once. I’m so filled with joy at this day with Gracie and so filled with sorrow at the same time. I know now what an incredible journey having a child is and I would do it again in a heartbeat if I could and knowing I can’t makes this weekend feel sad. I want to be focused just on my happy feelings of being the most blessed mom ever but try as I may to keep them away the sad what if thoughts are playing in my mind once again. What if the next one was a boy? What if the next one looked like me instead of my husband? What if the next time I got pregnant with twins? What would Gracie be like as a big sister? All these what if thoughts I’d put to rest before I had my baby girl. Now they’re all back again because I know when those what ifs play out its the most amazing thing ever. I’m sad knowing I won’t ever have the answer to some of my what if questions. I’m sad I can’t share this mom love with another child because I LOVE being a mom. I just feel some sadness amongst my joy.
If I feel this sadness even though I have the best baby ever I imagine the women who don’t have what I have feel even worse. Because I’m me, I think about the people I can’t help. Women have lost children in the womb, children born, children grown. Women have buried their babies. Women have fought the way I did for years and years to be a mom and they never get it. Some women don’t get to hold even one baby on Mother’s Day. My heart breaks for them. I literally cry for them. It’s not fair. Why do some women get to be mothers and others don’t? Why do some women get to stay mothers and others don’t? God only knows but I wish I did too. I wish I could ease that pain I know they’re feeling. A true mothers love arrives before the baby ever does, it lasts beyond the child’s life…some mothers have that love waiting forever and they never get to give that love to their own. That pain is so real, it’s so deep and in a way its incurable. I feel so bad for these women, especially on Mother’s Day when the source of their pain is so prevelant.
So because I’m me and I think about everything…I’m thinking what a big complainer I am. Here I am crying I want another when women are crying I want one. I feel so guilty complaining of secondary infertility when some women suffer from primary infertility forever. I feel guilty complaining when I have family who deserve a child and haven’t gotten them yet. I feel guilty for feeling like I’m missing out on something when I have the greatest someone right in front of me. Do I have the right to be sad and feel my truth? Yes. But I hate that I feel the way I do.
I know I need to allow myself to feel both the joys and pains of loving like a mom. I know I can love my daughter and be over the moon satisfied with her and my life and still grieve the children I wish I had. I know I can be sad for myself while still feeling compassion for others too.
Being a mom is hard. It’s hard before you have kids, it’s hard after they get here, it’s hard if you lose them, it’s hard if you never get them. The emotions and feelings that come along with maternal love are so great they’re unexplainable. I may be all over the map with the way I feel this weekend but at least I feel….and I feel like a mother.